Lip Service

by Leon Couch


What is it about those lips?

Are the eyes really the gateway to the soul? Or should you close your eyes and instead, kiss those lips? Chances are, if there’s someone whose eyes you feel you could stare into forever, someone you find that enchanting, you’ll wind up kissing them if you can. And I bet we can all agree that kissing tells you a lot more about someone than eyeballs.

Look at the different shapes and sizes, the slight color variations. They come in large, small, smooth, rough, light, dark, puffy, thin, sexy, scary—all kinds. Just look for a while at all those lips. Find a place where you can sit, maybe a diner, maybe a bar. But you should definitely be sitting alone, so you won’t be distracted. Don’t worry that you’re creeping people out. You are creeping them out. But worrying just doesn’t solve problems.

For the next week or so, just look at the different lips around you. Yes, that’s a crazy thing to do. Go ahead though, you should do it. I highly recommend it. Trust me. It’ll be fun. I prahhh-misss.

Now this part is crucial, when someone gets just too creeped out by you and calls the police, be ready. When you see the policeman coming toward you, led by a group of angry people, and they’re all shaking their fists and pointing at you, RUN! Go! Now! Run as fast as you can! And scream! (It’s always best to scream at the top of your lungs while running, either toward or away from trouble. It’s probably good for recreational runners too. But that’s another story.) Scream as high-pitched a scream as you can! And wave your arms in the air above your head! “AAAAAAHHHH!” (Unfortunately, and I should have told you this a minute ago, this actually hurts your chances of escape. But it really, really, really adds style.)

Once they catch you, which they will, and the policeman and the crowd are done beating you, you can throw a few facts at them just for spite. That’ll show ‘em. At least you know some things they don’t. Rest assured, they won’t listen to what you say. They’ll just see a crazy pervert who by that point is bleeding, drooling and crying some nonsense at them. And know this…it will lead to another round of beating. But once again—style man, style!

Here are a few things to yell out through your own swelling lips:

• You feel 100 times more with your lips than with the tips of your fingers. (So when your blind friends start rubbing their lips all over your face, don’t be a jerk. They’re just getting to know you.) 
• A man who kisses his wife on the way out the door every morning will live an average of 5 years longer than other men. (He will live longer than everyone except the UPS driver that is, who rolls up 15 minutes later with, ahem…a package. According to logic UPS drivers will live an extra 10 to 15 years longer than the husband…more kisses from your wife. Women can’t help it. We’ve all seen those uniforms. It’s the shorts, right ladies?)
•  A small kiss burns around 3 calories. A passionate kiss burns up to 6.4 calories per minute and 600 calories per hour. (So pucker up. To hell with Zumba.)
• The French call a French kiss baiser amoureux or “love kiss.” But they also call French fries “fried potatoes.” Go figure.
• The Eskimo nose kiss is actually just a form of greeting. I’ve never been invited into an igloo, so it’s none of my business what goes on inside. (I’m sure they’re keeping warm somehow.)
• Injecting fat into the lips is one form of augmentation plastic surgeons use. (That one is too easy. You fill in the joke for yourself.)
• The brain has special neurons that help you find your lover’s lips in the dark. (There’s nothing funny there. That one is just really sexy.)
• There is no evidence at all, in fact much to the contrary, that lip balm is addictive. Of course this means addiction in the literal sense. It coats the lips and prevents them from drying out. It keeps them soft and smooth. You surely derive some sort of pleasure from the application, since your lips are so sensitive. We all know someone who’s a balm junkie. They might keep it well hidden. But someone you know needs to kick.

When you’re done telling the angry mob of your lip knowledge, when you find yourself in lockup for lip staring, drop us a line. Better yet, write us a letter. You’ll have plenty of time to jot down your experiences. You’re getting a free meal and some drugs. It’ll make a great story for us. And I’ll be happy to give you some more advice. I can tell you how to handle your situation.

Good advice: It starts with kicking people in the knee. When the guys in the scrubs come around to give you your medicine, kick them in the knee. This move, by the way, will get you better drugs, making it easier to perform your next move. You guessed it . . . also kicking. When the psychiatrist comes to see you, kick him in the knee too. This will help continue your little vacation. Then when the men in scrubs return . . . and so on, you’ll get the hang of it. Also, cross your eyes and laugh a lot. Use certain words over and over, like “them, cats, Elvis, detectors, transmitters and kill.” Don’t forget either, all of this, the kicking, the gibberish, this is all best delivered with a high pitched scream.

P.S. You’re welcome.