Saturday, November 20, 2010

Royal Wedding More Zoo than Circus

Gorilla keeper Dan Simmonds helps the vets as they fight to save a desperately ill gorilla while the head of reptiles and amphibians, Dr Ian Stephen, anxiously monitors the brutal mating of a pair of Komodo dragons. Officials at the ZSL London zoo reported that First-time mother Mjukuu gave birth to a healthy baby on the afternoon of 26 October 2010, following a straightforward labour, which was closely monitored by the Zoo’s vets and keepers. -(ZSL London Zoo website)

Oh, I’m sorry, I get confused sometimes…

I meant to say, Prince William, affectionately known as, His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales, officially of the House of Windsor and Kate Middleton, of the Party Pieces Mail Order Firm family, are officially engaged to be married (actually though, I should note that The Windsor family changed its name in the early part of the 20th century from Saxe-Coburg Gotha because it was too German sounding… Whew… it makes me lose my breath…in more ways than one). The couple became engaged in October while on holiday in Kenya. The wedding is set for 2011, which happens to be the 30th anniversary of Charles and Diana’s wedding. Keep watching. It should be fascinating.

Of course the question then becomes whether or not Charles will pass up the throne after the death of the Queen and allow this handsome young couple to thrive in their new habitat, and then, what of children? It’s often difficult for couples to produce offspring in such an unnatural environment. But it can be done.

Ligers are the offspring of a male lion and female tiger. The offspring of a male tiger and female lion is called a tigon. Ligers tend towards gigantism and are generally larger than either of their parents, whilst tigons are generally smaller or at least no larger than their parents. Like most hybrids, both are usually sterile, but occasionally a female will be fertile and can be bred back to a male lion or tiger… Did I get lost again?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Under 12 = Above the Law

The Birmingham City Council recently passed ordinance #04-98, which states: “No person shall make, continue or cause to be made or continue any noise which, because of its volume level, duration and character, either annoys, disturbs, or injures or endangers the comfort, health peace or safety of reasonable persons of ordinary sensibilities. It shall be unlawful and a nuisance for any person to permit any such noise to be made in or upon any residence, business or other structure or upon any premises or in any vehicle owned or possessed by him or under his management or control.”

Among the offences are the usual such as loud music, barking dogs, squawking birds, hawking newspaper boys, and pretty much any noise between 10 at night and 7 in the morning. The language is vague enough to allow for sneezing , if one sneezes loudly enough to be heard 50 feet away, (which some people do.) basically any noise that is offensive and can be heard more than 50feet away. There are few exceptions to this ordinance.

The exceptions include city employees, activities which have obtained a permit, and children under 12. That’s correct, children under 12 years of age. It does specify that the noises coming out of these children must be human. “Human sounds emanating from children (12) years of age or under, including but not limited to speech and utterances of laughter, cries and sounds associated with play…”

Asked to comment, my children who are both under the age of twelve began laughing and taunting me and calling me fat. I was powerless to stop them.

See: for full details of the ordinance, which were definitely not covered here, because apparently, according to my children, I’m stupid.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Birmingham Free Press Officially Endorses Tiffany Dy AND Lee Hopf to Fill the Vacant Presidency at Birmingham Southern

At first we at the Birmingham Free Press had intended to recommend skipping the 13th President of Birmingham Southern, well, in the same way elevators skip the 13th floor. The last thing Southern needs right now is more bad luck, given the financial problems it is currently trying to bail itself out of. We were going to suggest that sometimes it’s best, overall, to just hit the pass button and move on.

Upon further consideration and much debate, however, the editorial staff decided that giving up wasn’t the American way. What, we asked, truly embodies the American way more than anything else. Then it hit us…why…royalty of course. We at The Birmingham Free Press are just as enamored with royalty as the rest of reality TV watching, flash/trash magazine reading Free World.

So who better than someone who has already been chosen by the students of Birmingham Southern in a fair and free election? Tiffany Dy and Lee Hopf not only have a clear mandate, having been overwhelmingly elected King and Queen of Birmingham Southern. But as official royalty they will be able to single-handedly, well double-handedly…I guess quadruple handedly is most correct…yes…quadruple-handedly solve the financial problems of the school while avoiding the need to consult any pesky Board of Trustees. royalty can just get it done.

As far as experience, a list of all the qualifications the Search Committee is looking for in a successful candidate is available online. We at the Birmingham Free Press would not attempt to mislead anyone into thinking these two students have all the years of experience, the requisite degrees, or even the slightest sense of how to run a school that the Search Committee is looking for. But just listen to how that sounds…the Search Committee. The Search Committee! Show me your papers! Ve vill zelect ze best prezident from zese "qualifications!" What is this Nazi Germany. No!

Committee indeed.

And besides the photograph of these two is great! They’re freakin’ amazing looking. And you know they are used to begging mom and dad for money to do this and money to do that. And isn’t that kind of what the President of Birmingham Southern does anyway? Dude. I mean…C’mon.

~Lee Waites