Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Birmingham Free Press Officially Endorses Tiffany Dy AND Lee Hopf to Fill the Vacant Presidency at Birmingham Southern

At first we at the Birmingham Free Press had intended to recommend skipping the 13th President of Birmingham Southern, well, in the same way elevators skip the 13th floor. The last thing Southern needs right now is more bad luck, given the financial problems it is currently trying to bail itself out of. We were going to suggest that sometimes it’s best, overall, to just hit the pass button and move on.

Upon further consideration and much debate, however, the editorial staff decided that giving up wasn’t the American way. What, we asked, truly embodies the American way more than anything else. Then it hit us…why…royalty of course. We at The Birmingham Free Press are just as enamored with royalty as the rest of reality TV watching, flash/trash magazine reading Free World.

So who better than someone who has already been chosen by the students of Birmingham Southern in a fair and free election? Tiffany Dy and Lee Hopf not only have a clear mandate, having been overwhelmingly elected King and Queen of Birmingham Southern. But as official royalty they will be able to single-handedly, well double-handedly…I guess quadruple handedly is most correct…yes…quadruple-handedly solve the financial problems of the school while avoiding the need to consult any pesky Board of Trustees. royalty can just get it done.

As far as experience, a list of all the qualifications the Search Committee is looking for in a successful candidate is available online. We at the Birmingham Free Press would not attempt to mislead anyone into thinking these two students have all the years of experience, the requisite degrees, or even the slightest sense of how to run a school that the Search Committee is looking for. But just listen to how that sounds…the Search Committee. The Search Committee! Show me your papers! Ve vill zelect ze best prezident from zese "qualifications!" What is this Nazi Germany. No!

Committee indeed.

And besides the photograph of these two is great! They’re freakin’ amazing looking. And you know they are used to begging mom and dad for money to do this and money to do that. And isn’t that kind of what the President of Birmingham Southern does anyway? Dude. I mean…C’mon.

~Lee Waites

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